How Relationship Struggles Taught Me About Honest Connection

I didn't realize how defensive I could sometimes be in relationships. If I felt misunderstood or disappointed, I closed off. I protected myself. I reacted.

What I didn't realize at the time was that I was often expecting the other person to take care of needs I hadn't even identified for myself. "Shouldn't they have just known?"

Then I learned about the "Wall of Needs." This is a wall that is built up between two people. Overtime, this wall has been constructed brick by brick from each others' unmet needs and expectations. As the connection becomes more strained the wall grows bigger, until understanding and honest connection seems out of reach.

But before each brick can be taken down, each person must first get in touch with their own unmet needs--and then take responsibility for expressing them clearly.

I began to understand what that meant in my own life...

• To notice my own defensiveness and self-protection.

• To ask myself, "What am I really needing right now?"

• That clarity about my needs is my responsibility.

• To listen deeply--to what the other person is saying and not saying.

• To stay curious and open, allowing myself to be vulnerable.

• To recognize that rejection is painful--but that I can handle it.

The Wall of Needs: Dismantle One Brick at a Time

Think of someone in your own life that you may be struggling with. It might be a with a spouse, a friend, a co-worker, or a relative. Next, take out a simple sheet of paper. Draw a small wall of bricks. Perhaps your bricks will be made of ....blocks of glass, concrete, cardboard, or something else entirely.

On each brick, write one unmet need you would like from this relationship. Not accusations just needs. Be as specific as possible. You might begin with:

• I need to feel heard about...

• I need to feel appreciated for...

• I need to feel respected regarding...

• I need to feel understood or acknowledged about...

• I need support with....

• I need to spend more time...

• I need to be clear about...

Now, after you've named as many bricks as you can, ask yourself:

• Have I named this need clearly--to myself and then to others?

• Do I truly understand what's underneath this need?

• What part of this need is my responsibility?

• How can I calmly communicate it with honesty and clarity?

Next, choose just one of your bricks--the one you're willing to address this week.

You're not tearing down the entire wall.

You're simply removing one brick, one need at a time.

And as each need is met a brick is removed This opens space for self-confidence and the relationship to grow.

"Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen."

-Brene Brown